Next came the series of drinking tests. I had to watch his finger move from left to right without moving my head. After that I was to close my eyes with my head tilted back and touch my nose with my finger as he called out right hand, left hand, etc. So far, so good! Just like Simon Says! Then the finale: with my feet together, head back, and eyes closed, I had to lift my right foot, toe pointed out and do the Hokey Pokey and shake it all about, (just kidding on the Hokey Pokey part) then hold my toe out while counting 1001, 1002, 1003 out loud. I made it to 1044 and I decided that was far enough. I put my foot down and he asked me how far I had counted. Weren't you listening? Hello? 1044. Do I win something? Is that a record?
Having passed all the tests, he continues to repeat the same questions again and then asked about my health! Wow, a cop who cares about my health! Not really, he was trying to determine if I was on any prescription drugs. "Any diabetes, injuries, aches and pains?" he asked. "Of course I have aches and pains, I'm 58 years old and work for a living," I calmly replied. I could see right through his questioning and wasn't going to go there. Too bad he didn't know me. Let's see, over the years: broken clavicle, broken scapula, 3 crushed vertabraes, broken neck, broken wrist (twice), broken humerus, ruptured disks, a tree falling on me, broken toes, fingers etc. etc. Do I have any aches and pains? Take your best guess.
Since his partner wasn't bringing out a shiny new toaster for me for getting all the answers right, I had to assume there was more. There was. The dreaded breath analyzer. "Blow into this until I tell you to stop," he told me. I did willingly and he looked at it and began putting it away. "What was my score?" I wanted to know. Begrudgingly he said, "Zero." As I read the LED in the dark it wasn't just zero, it was 0.00! Barney Fife was sure he had me for at least a hundredth of a percent. Not so fast there, Barney. That's when I said, "You didn't believe me, did you?" He answered that he didn't. Poor Barney, I'm sure I wasted his time and he didn't get to haul me off.
|Al Davis before he was dead!|
|Me with my prize for most creative costume|