Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Pizza Tossing for Idiots

  When friends or family come over for pizza the one question that seems to surface is: "Do you toss your dough?" I want to say, "Yes." but the inevitable question that follows is, "Can we watch you do it?" That's the question that has to be addressed.
   If you are old enough to remember the Wide World of Sports intro where the ski jumper is sailing down the ramp, leans a little too much to his right then looses it and comes crashing off the jump before he ever leaves the ground then you have an idea of what the agony of defeat feels like. It has become apparent to me that Tony has nothing to worry about. No threats of dethroning him in the near future or the distant future from me as far as pizza tossing goes. It is a skill that comes with a lot of repetition and a lot of practice, not to mention the many balls of dough.
   I never have taught myself to juggle, ride a unicycle or spin a basketball on one finger, or for that matter, hit that stupid rubber ball attached to a paddle with a rubber band. I guess I'm not super human. I know Tony had to start somewhere and hopefully looked as bad as I do at the beginning, but I shouldn't let super humans like him deter me. I know he offers a course in pizza tossing for a few hundred bucks.  I remember the TV commercial where, I believe, Carlo Rossi said, "I could talk about wine all day but I'd rather drink it." That's like how I feel about making pizza. Sure, a little showmanship is fun and makes for a bit more entertainment as well as stretching your dough out to the necessary dimensions. As always though, form follows function.
   The argument could continue as to whether I am a well rounded pizza maker if I don't toss my own dough. Heck, I have tossed a football around, I've tossed coins in a fountain in Rome, tossed ideas around a room, tossed rocks in a pond and for that matter, tossed my cookies. You would think it should come natural to me. So, this is where I have to improve my skills. Maybe there's a book at Border's called "Pizza Tossing for Idiots."

   I suppose the book might read something like this:

 1. Start with fresh dough. Do not attempt to toss hot pizza with cheese and tomato sauce already on it.
 2. Do not attempt to toss sliced pizza as the wedges are too difficult to handle.
 3. Do not toss pizza dough while operating a motor vehicle.

I don't think that there is a specific law against the last one but I have to believe, unless you own a convertible, then you're probably wasting your time.

                                VIEW AT YOUR OWN RISK

 Other chapters might advise you to not toss pizza dough in the pouring rain or on a skeet shooting range. The final chapter might be: How to remove pizza dough from your ceiling, lamp fixtures and hair. Maybe that could be a book for me in the future.
   Anyway, you have to start somewhere and I have a few things going in my favor. We have high ceilings in the kitchen and I have 50 pounds of flour in the pantry. Maybe by the time I post a video of me tossing dough a year from now I will have improved enough from the video above to not embarrass myself.

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